AWOL

i don´t know why
you´re sometimes so good to me
i´m so loaded
all the time
and you see something else
of course you´re right
but i cannot get to that place

my head seems to be killing me
that´s stupid and dangerous
i should take care

many many years ago
made an emotional miscalculation
chose the absentee life
there are precious few roads back

yes, i love you

between

take a sheet of paper
and rip it in half
that´s me

as my blood keeps pumping through the station
my pulse screeching
my thoughts overloading

don´t be stupid
she said
stop that noise

i know, i know
i look at the trees and grasses
four in the morning
sepulchral
emptied of colour

getting older

you say
it doesn´t interest you
to hear in tremulous detail
that i am just a man child
why ? doesn´t it concern you ?
you say
we are all composites
of the real and the learnt
of me and them
such slippery slopes
are only good for skating
i nod in some sort of agreement

a question

i show her my pictures
i put my self in her hands, her eyes
why do i surrender myself so ?
do i think that´s the only way to exist
to be seen ?
i mean, i breathe, don´t i ?

walk in my forest

a dry leaf on the ground
its keel broken
some ribs revealed
where the flesh has been gnawed away
crackles when trod upon
let us build a castle of skulls
i am happy
and this is not an ironic juxtaposition
i look, i see
one day i will die

seawater

i take the catamaran bus
over slow gray seas
crossing murky paths of reflected sunlight
i think of the sway of her breasts
my lips, my kisses
my kitsch
fat gulls sit solo on moored boats
you´re on your own now boy
with the knowledge of good and evil

up until now guilt

up until now guilt
once triggered
would spread through me
right or wrong
staining my whole life
and now
it´s time
to count more carefully
to eat from the tree of knowledge
of good and evil
to be happy
when it is time for happiness
and to cry
when needs must