a search light

looking at myself through your eyes
i am nervous
do i act right
how do you see me,judge me ?

i believe i can see me
through your eyes
ridiculous !

i`ll throw myself
into a dark pool
try to feel,to be

it is sliding past me
i am too careless
too ambiguous towards
my own life

i am one of those
who doesn`t know
what life is really worth

A THURSDAY

i have read all the books
all the particulariites
i`ve seen all the films
fast,flashy,slow,moody
all the travellers
the strict,the sexy,the unattractive
some spaced out,some stressed up
others full of esoteric softness
i met sportsmen and wide boys
i spoke with bill clinton
i know the dark alleyways
the crackpipes, the whiskey bottles
the exertions of the contractors
the earnestness of the auditors
the police officers stone drunk who altered the accident reports to save their skins ( everyone knew )
girls giggling and the women cohabiting
the sweat and the scents
taut facial muscles
sexual abandon
the samaritans aand their druggies
hope,hypocrisy,moral ambiiguity,forgetfulness,distortion,propaganda,
cultural differences and achievements
war
grenades and machine guns
my ears have heard bum notes grating
i know lists,symbols
the cracking paint
fuck me ! the youngsters out of their boxes staggering on the platform
the carpenter planing the boards
i know of sickness
the blotched skin
the sap seeping out
the plump older women travelling
their men walking stiffly
tics,moustaches,sports shirts
i know psychosexual ecstasy
the yes and the no

today is gray, white-gray
and nothing reaches me
i know full well torture and torment could come
i know of no resolution
yes, my brother, my sister, my stranger,
i stand alone

the sea

a big wave got me within a dozen yards of the shore
i wanted to run through the water on to the sand
but the undertow immobilized my legs
hundreds of small pebbles streaming back over my feet
i turned to see the build-up of the next big wave
the fly, sticking to sudden threads, watches the spider approaching
the sea can be mean and very nasty

these days

i stumble onwards
from day to night
thinking of neurotic compulsions
mine disguised as earthy love
riverbeds and marshlands, harsh continuous rain
the full green fields, the swing of your breasts
yes, your breasts and your kisses

the crowds inside my head
shoving and scuffling
this way
that
forwards
to the left
retreat and regroup
be political
retake the highlands
use your prick
see with other ideas
go with the crash of the waves
use, abuse, seduce

the sea and the rolling waves

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

i suppose i think that

one day

the curtain will be pulled aside

and you

will tell me the truth about it all

the truth

about the world, as it really is,

what you felt

then and then, and what in fact happened.

i will sit

on the floor with my head between your legs

a thirsty kitten

i´ll lap up the truth, the actual truth.

the knowledge

that there are no contours, no lifebelts,

that there´s no final assessment,

no last word

is beyond me.

HUMPH

i was stupid enough to read her diary:
what a big baby he is !
and thinks he´s the only male in the world !
Ok, nice to have someone who always wants to fuck with me
but what a price i pay !
and he´s really no great shakes in that department
i think i´ll put some space between him and me

i put the diary down  and returned to my room
so, i´m not her god
logical really
i mean if i
don´t think i´m a god
why on earth should she ?
dispiriting all the same

my cookie crumbles

about my plans, intentions and resolutions
to leave you
to set myself free.
well
you held the kitchen door open for me
my eyes took in
your carelessly buttoned blouse
breasts half revealed
and desire locked me in
again