the sea

a big wave got me within a dozen yards of the shore
i wanted to run through the water on to the sand
but the undertow immobilized my legs
hundreds of small pebbles streaming back over my feet
i turned to see the build-up of the next big wave
the fly, sticking to sudden threads, watches the spider approaching
the sea can be mean and very nasty

these days

i stumble onwards
from day to night
thinking of neurotic compulsions
mine disguised as earthy love
riverbeds and marshlands, harsh continuous rain
the full green fields, the swing of your breasts
yes, your breasts and your kisses

the crowds inside my head
shoving and scuffling
this way
that
forwards
to the left
retreat and regroup
be political
retake the highlands
use your prick
see with other ideas
go with the crash of the waves
use, abuse, seduce

the sea and the rolling waves

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

i suppose i think that

one day

the curtain will be pulled aside

and you

will tell me the truth about it all

the truth

about the world, as it really is,

what you felt

then and then, and what in fact happened.

i will sit

on the floor with my head between your legs

a thirsty kitten

i´ll lap up the truth, the actual truth.

the knowledge

that there are no contours, no lifebelts,

that there´s no final assessment,

no last word

is beyond me.

HUMPH

i was stupid enough to read her diary:
what a big baby he is !
and thinks he´s the only male in the world !
Ok, nice to have someone who always wants to fuck with me
but what a price i pay !
and he´s really no great shakes in that department
i think i´ll put some space between him and me

i put the diary down  and returned to my room
so, i´m not her god
logical really
i mean if i
don´t think i´m a god
why on earth should she ?
dispiriting all the same

my cookie crumbles

about my plans, intentions and resolutions
to leave you
to set myself free.
well
you held the kitchen door open for me
my eyes took in
your carelessly buttoned blouse
breasts half revealed
and desire locked me in
again

forgetful and careless

a poison arrow pierces my skin:
you´re a cypher hiding stupidity
you´re a headless, heartless servant
a stinking bucket of broken eggs
compromised through and through

my stomach turns
again
i must remember to stock up on the antidote

my accumulated feelings
locked in moral conflict
with the inner executioner
mesmerises me
help !
where´s mummy ? jesus ? daddy ?
help me !
must i really stand frozen
the lifelong prisoner
my love of wisdom too shallow ?
no, no and three times no !