I LOST SOUL

i´ve lost
soul, something´s gone
something i never had ?
and this long history
these long histories
are tearing me up inside
what do i need ?
the madonna of the strange seas
and above all
me

LOST SOUL

so heavy is me
shouting, screaming, crying
tskk ! hisses the mother inside me
good that i have a strong heart
otherwise
this
would tear me apart

WHERE OR WHAT ?

a parking lot

in a poorly lit undercroft

earnest ads for samaritans

crumpled beer cans

dark oil stains on the uneven concrete

behind a pillar a used condom

where she

at three a.m. after the club

had downed her panties and upped her skirt

and they had had a good time

drunken and urgent

unaware that the security guard had them on the low resolution surveillance screen

watching horny, envious

irritated when a voice at the glass pane

asked for a taxi number

couldn´t see properly anyway

just the movements

and where or what is life ?

Known Recipients

I see the soft greens of very early morning
and like a million others
think about my evil, my stupidity, aggressivity and coarseness
wonder, hoping
is there something that can wash away my sin ?

yet fully aware
nothing gets undone
that was done
however much i forget
a chance encounter
can bring it all up again
that was and that is me
there is evil in everyone

autumn at the station

where are the brown and golden leaves of autumn ?
yesterday sick in bed
today looking for health
last night breathing trouble
breathing with difficulty
today keeping an eye on the situation

new york hit by hurricane sandy

i wait

for money, for disaster
for truths, for ecstasy
for something unknown

MORNING TIME

and it hits me so hard
sometimes
it´s 8 or 9 or 10 in the morning
and the world stares at me
as if ready to eat me up
gobble me up in three bits
and this cold stare
drives me crazy
and, mummy, i don´t know what to do
and all roads closed
jesus  ! why me ?

my birthday

a Geordie´s son
some wrong done
ni hanna kenna
kanje
wit witless
wot tailor?
why witch ? bitch ?
so apostrophic
apologetic
so he keeps driving onwards

a morning

wake from tears dreaming
walk out onto the lookout
east the pitiless life-giver glaring and screaming at me
west the moon
the recipient
incapable of love
sigh or scream ?
my north is south
and in the affairs of men
this all has no import

Many Miles

edging very slowly
sideways
over great clods of earth
twigs, gravel, spilt cooking oil

huge stress
small crab
many many miles from the sea

FIXATED

-->

fighting

for the answers to hidden questions

sinking into paranoia

mouth twisted tight

body taut

whilst every moment

desire stampedes through me

unable to play

unable to pretend that your refusals don´t affect me

getting younger by the minute

soon to be

a mewling, pulling baby

a shell of one who once was

or

who once thought he was

somebody, something

HOW NOW ?

how now
little martin cow ?
whaddoido ?

twenty years and more
i was in your clutches and in your bed
yesterday you opened the fingers of your hand
waved me away
closed the bedroom door
telling me i can go now

my heart
my heart of different ages
guardian of my times
my heart that keeps time
and no landslide ever blocked the river
my heart that i have from my mother
keeps on
kicking, shouting punching
running, riding, rolling
beating out
my very own martin blues

THESE MANY LONG YEARS

was it gross misfortune
or luck streaming in like the sunshine
a gift from the heavens
whilst shiva´s back was turned
or a complicated curse of sticky webs and poisonous spiders ?
good or bad ?
right or wrong ?
whatever !
you have had your ragdoll
and he has had you

I / NOT I

these days ebbing and flowing
me inhaling and exhaling questions and answers
diaphragm rising and falling
the sexual pulse
happiness, anti-happiness
lightning flashes of violent anger

i stand back
jaw aslack
i stand back
concerned and consternated
yes ?
well, i don´t know
i´m just a kid from sutton
fingering the panic button

REAL LIFE

endless whining lines
through years of tears
it´s simple though
they own you
they own you
they control your driving wheel
make you shout and squeal

if that´s what you want
if that´s what you really want
just keep on keeping on

IN CORDOBA IS A WATERWHEEL

they speak of rogue states, feral youth
and further words of an age
the programme features
nuclear and environmental catastrophes
economic blizzards
drones and the four riders

my simple sexual desires
make me unexceptional
just a man-child
cock-a-rising
in cordoba is a waterwheel
we fetch water, the sun sets
and desire is the only constant

XIIXXV

snow
white cocoon
silencer
signalling tradition and blazing log fires

drunken cousin in the corner
talking too loud, too long and incoherently
throughout the ceremonies of ice
they try to tell him
all is wonderful
cheer ! cheers ! cheerio !

brandy is burning its way into his brain
smell melting plastic in overloaded circuits
watch broken washing machines
spewing out grey slops

he stumbles over
kicks the front door open
and screams
this is not mine
a moan piercing the air
tearing the paper sky in two

HOME TRUTH

stupid vinegar mouth !
don´t forget :
the totality
will fucking kill you
just don´t know where
you don´t know when

NEWS FROM INSIDE

the air has flowed into my lungs
they are still burnt and twisted
like volcanic rock
now comes the rain, the river, the water that heals
and from the earth shall spring
the plants of fire